Thesis Statement, that is my life: “The symphony of hard-hitting circumstances, my zeal for attainment and everything that life has to offer, to pursue my passion by leveraging Master’s degree in CS.”

My name is Rushabh. I know! Hard to pronounce, so I prefer to call myself Ryan, here in the states. There are other adjectives that define me, I’m a socialist, activist, Instagram-er, Snap-chatter, social justice advocate, full-time university student and then some.

Let’s start from the time when I was fused with the passion, mania, or whatever. I fell in love with computers when I was in my 6^th grade class and in our computer lab session I was shown how to use custom animations in power-point, that made by ridiculously average mind blown to pieces. I had to know how to do this kind of magic, and then this fire enraged when we got the Internet. Internet satisfied my every craving, literally. Maybe one of the things that made me, maybe. I started learning HTML and building websites, really ugly ones at first.

Ahh! Then came my Undergraduate studies. The ridiculous average guy, who was unappreciated and always ridiculed by teachers was finally free to start again at a new place, a new start. And I flourished. I was finally learning what I wanted to, maybe not all things, but Yes, I was happy. I learnt many things whether it was loops in Java or the gaping loop hole that the life is. I made lots of friends, in the double digits. But I was left with 4 friends and a realization that in the concentric circles of my life only some are left within the inner most circle.

I wasn’t good at my academics till High school, because everyone in the school made me feel like I was worth-less. Like I was the loser weirdo. Yes! I was average in my academics, just because I hated maths and languages, except English. But in my undergraduate studies I learnt things I was interested in. I wanted to know concepts not just mug everything. I also got pretty good grades. That’s my strength, I am curious to understand concept in depth.

I also met the love of my life in the 3^rd year of my studies, Artificial Intelligence. I devised a program based off of Jarvis from the movie Iron-Man. I mean it wasn’t perfect, and still working on it. But my project-guide loved it, and we showcased it in a National event and earned a 2^nd prize. Now I was sure what to pursue. I worked another year on this project and was appreciated by all the faculty on my achievement, and scored full marks for our project.

With AI making striking developments in robotics, it is futuristic. I apprehend that re-evaluation of the field that began with people like Rodney Brooks, will not cease. This re-evaluation has given a perspective that a well-engineered and integrated physical body is as much part of ‘intelligence’ as symbolic computation. This ‘physical intelligence’ will include bodies that are not merely well-engineered and smooth actuators but are composed of multiple layers of sensors and localized tight-feedback loops. The most exciting and cutting-edge AI research will be in designing such complex ‘subsumption architectures’ consisting of multiple layers of sensors and actuators that add up to sophisticated bodily behavior and interaction with the human world. I want to bring the symphony of AI, VR and MR to the world where the gaming experiences will not be limited. Where you can experience everything. The feel of air on your face when you are running, the heat of fire burning nearby, in the virtual world. This beautiful mixture of reality and AI within the virtual world will also help in building safe simulation environment and also a space to design the unthinkable, the one without limits.

The conclusion? I’m a geek and I like it. I am way too obsessed with food and people. I’m an ambivert, I am driven by my moods sometimes. I’m OCD, but not that critical. Even though my life sounds a lot like cliched movies, I accept that this is what has happened, and now I have the magical gauntlet to define what happens in the future. I expect to find my real priority in this beautiful mess that is my life and I hope that something will help me define my personality the way it is supposed to be. Again, with the clichés! Right? Haha..I love clichés, at-least it has a little factor called reliability in that.

 

This article will not start with an engrossing, riveting, fascinating, or an interesting quote, because guess what? This article is being written by a “Just” an average guy. This is not me whining about being average, this is how I accepted that I’m average and always will be, this is about me trying to reach those people who aren’t well recognized though they are an integral cog, but if they are not in the social instances, the top tiers and lowest tiers have no one to compare with.

 

Here’s a paragraph quoted from my personal diary, which obviously was never meant for people, but might make a good case study.

“I will probably never work at a top tier Silicon Valley tech company or work on cutting edge research because I’m simply not smart enough. Summer internship hunting hasn’t been successful either. I’ve honestly got nothing going on for me.

The thing that hurts the most is that I actually try hard at improving my life, but I keep coming up short. I study a lot, genuinely try to learn about Computer Science in my spare time; exercise 4-6 times a week (Those who know me too well, this is a lie. A pure lie. I never work out. But I used to, at that time.).

From an outsider’s perspective it may seem like I’ve got my things together, but my actual achievements are hardly spectacular.

I’ve always imagined myself to be this bad-ass guy who went to a stellar university and got a job at a place like Google or something, but I’m beginning to realize that these are childish fantasies. The reality is that I’m just an average dude, going to an OK college with absolutely no intern/job prospects at the moment. Maybe I’ll accomplish something great one day, but it’s hard seeing the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.

I’m not giving up on pursuing my goals. The motivation is still there. It’s just that I keep asking myself, “Is this the best that I can do?” and the answer is almost always “Yes”. My self-esteem has been slowly decreasing over time, but that should already be obvious yet it’s still not.

My distress is further increased by the vast amount of success stories that float around here. It seems like there’s so many people here who simply worked hard and became uber-successful. But what about the guys who work hard and don’t make the cut? What happens to them? I fear I might end up in the category of failures anyone never hears of.”

This wasn’t even a decade old, it’s just a couple years ago. Now being more mature than who I was in the past has radically changed my way of thinking and now I impart this higher cognitive but yet really mundane and clichéd critics to the next and every person who says “No. It’s not like that. It’s because I’m just an average guy.”

Why does it matter if you are ‘just an average person’? Why does this affect you at all? Are you happy? Does anything matter other than this? You are comparing yourself to other people, but for what purpose? What are you actually achieving by doing this? Nothing. Nothing good, at least.

“I will probably never work at a top tier Silicon Valley tech company or work on cutting edge research because I’m simply not smart enough.” Do not let this get you down. We are raised from our birth to be these amazing top-of-the-class who grow up to be the CEOs. Truth is that isn’t even close to being realistic for most of us. Hell, it isn’t realistic at all. CEOs are bosses, and bosses require people to boss. Likewise, you need to have people to be the best to have people that aren’t the best. Rule of thumb is that there will always be someone who is better than you at something. There’s a guy I know who is similar to me; but happens to be better in almost every way. He is also one of my best friends. I’ll feel a tinge of jealously every now and then but I just push it away and remember that it means absolutely nothing. I am not him. I am me. His actions don’t affect me. Whenever somebody asks me why I can’t do what he does, I say ‘Because I am not him’. They just seem to get caught in the headlights at this point or try and bring up some rotten point that I can just smack down because quite simply, I am not him. Stop expecting me do to things just because he can do them.

“The thing that hurts the most is that I actually try hard at improving my life, but I keep coming up short.” Coming short of what, exactly? Are you setting goals for yourself or are these goals being set for you by a third party, whether that be a person or social conditioning of some sort. If you are falling short of goals you set yourself then I can’t help you with that apart from telling you to keep trying and maybe making smaller goals that gradually complete and in turn compete the larger ones. If it’s a third party who set the goal, screw them. Live the life you want to live not the life someone who hasn’t even walked in your shoes wants you to live. Don’t follow other people’s formats and blueprints for life because ultimately you will regret it. Find a way to be comfortable and happy with what you have. Or It’ll fade away. I know! A corny metaphor, but the truth.

“From an outsider’s perspective it may seem like I’ve got my things together, but my actual achievements are hardly spectacular.” I can almost guarantee you that they are thinking the exact same thing when they look at you. I feel like almost no one actually has their life together. Everyone just seems to scramble around trying to put together something presentable so people don’t think ‘badly’ of them because they aren’t ‘organized’ or ‘successful’. Who cares what other people think, seriously. If people are judging your entire personality and life for something as 2 dimensional and (at least in my eyes) insignificant as salary then you shouldn’t hang around them or even care what they think. F*** them.

We are raised thinking and smothering, to be incredible mega stars of something. Don’t even try to beat yourself up for this one. The world seems to be a little bit retarded and tries to slot everyone into a winning position (Certificate of participation? No? Anyone?). Tyler Durden (Fight club fan?) says this pretty well: “Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.”

You’re just the average dude/gal? Welcome to the 99%. This isn’t your fault for not liking this position. We are humans and want recognition, but it also doesn’t help that we are raised in a way that makes us see money and good person as the same thing. Success is shown via numbers on the ATM instead of something like happiness or how helpful you are to society. (I’m trying to justify the word success here; I don’t like the word used in this context.) And don’t even begin to think that having money means you help society.

Stop comparing yourself to others. It ultimately achieves nothing but making you feel like shit. You aren’t in their shoes and they aren’t in yours. They might absolutely loath their life because of how hard they worked to become so ‘successful’. And don’t forget the brain loves to compare other people’s highlight reel to your outtakes. I don’t know why it does this, but it does. The saying about grass is greener on the other side? Yep. What happens to the guys who ‘don’t make it’? That’s up to them whether they want to keep pushing through and try and ‘make it’ or whether they just shrug and get comfortable and happy with what they have in life, realizing that being happy is all that really matters. Fearing that you will fall into a category you will never hear about is almost inevitable I feel now. I was so scared of the oblivion. People won’t remember almost every single human in existence and given enough time everyone will (probably) be forgotten. But you know what? That’s fine. It doesn’t matter if they don’t hear about you. You are dead. Death is inevitable so stop breaking your back trying to fit into a one in a few million spots so that your name can still be around a hundred or so years after death and start enjoying life. You might not be the best, but who gives a flying damn?

P.S I bask in my averageness (if that’s a word).

P.S.S Obviously everything I’ve written is just an opinion you can take. Don’t feel obliged to take this advice or anything, this is just a suggestion on how to look at various things. You know- perspectives.

Made me introspect!